Part 2 of an enlightening essay about dating with disabilities for our current theme of What Will Grow
Dating in full costume: How disability impacts the development of a relationship?
By: Jon Bateman
...I had to
accept the fact that I would have to be who I am and put in the effort of
dating while simply hoping that a woman one day would make the choice to love
me.
This was a hard
realization because there was no quick fix and after reading studies that
showed 70% of non-disabled people absolutely would not have sex with a person
who had a disability[1],
I wasn’t confident that my dating pool had many swimmers in it at all. Still, I
tried not to let it affect my attitude toward others. At this point, I was 32 and
growing increasingly more frustrated. I hated people who would say “one day it
will just happen” or “as soon as you stop looking, love will come your way.”
Nothing in my life had ever happened without an effort and I certainly couldn’t
stop dating if I wanted a relationship so I just rolled my eyes and kept dating
both in the online and offline realms.
Then on Jan. 5,
2009 everything changed for me. I had been chatting for just a couple of days
with a woman named Lisa whom I had met via an online dating service. We spoke a
great deal over a couple of days and even though I never disclosed my
disability in my online dating profile, I was quick to explain my entire
circumstance to her as we discussed the idea of meeting in person. Lisa didn’t
seem to have any reservations about my disability and in fact seemed more
intrigued with every detail I shared with her. This was new and while I wasn’t
about to lay bets that she would be the one for me, I certainly was pleased
that she had a genuine interest in giving me a chance. We talked and soon a
first date was set for us to attend a Calgary Flames game together where we
could watch my favorite team face off against the Chicago Blackhawks.
“When I became
aware of Jon’s physical disability, I knew that I needed to see him as an
entire person, as someone complex and different from anyone I had ever met. His
confidence assured me that he was his own man and that he could do anything he
wanted. I have never blamed or judged Jon for things he cannot change because
that is futile and destructive in any relationship. Jon is sensitive,
communicative, intelligent and supportive. What more could a girl ask for?”
said Lisa.
In the beginning
of our relationship, I was concerned that Lisa and I were going to have to have
this marathon conversation about all of the impacts of my disability. I was
concerned that we would have to analyze everything and hash it all out but the
conversations to address my insecurity never had to happen and over time I
simply realized that like me she just chose to accept and adapt to the
situation as required. That’s what we did and so far it’s an approach that has
worked really well for us.
Our first date was
more than three years ago, and on Dec. 31, 2011 we made the commitment together
to get engaged. It’s an exciting time for both of us and we look forward to
planning our wedding as a couple. Looking back, I can see I certainly had
reason to be worried about the impacts of my disability on my dating
relationships and while I’d love to be able to say that there is a simple
solution to the discrimination people with disabilities face, I simply cannot.
However, I do believe that loving yourself is the most important part of being
able to successfully seek a relationship. Realizing that you have tremendous
skills, qualities and loveable traits to offer another person is vital because
if you truly believe you are dateable than eventually someone will have to
agree with you.
If you have a poem, or some prose (500 words or less) you'd like to share, even if it doesn't fit the theme, we'd love to see it. Send your submission to awcswriterscorner@gmail.com
