Dating in full costume: How disability impacts the development of a relationship?
By: Jon Bateman
www.jonbateman.ca
In the U.K., a television show has recently premiered under the exploitive eye of 2.9 million viewers called the Undateables. It markets itself as a dating show for people with disabilities and while some indicate the show has some educational aspects, the marketing of it serves to exploit the same awful stereotypes that plagued my dating life as I tried to find a meaningful relationship after being born with Spina Bifida.
From the time I
was a teenager until I turned 32, I felt as though I was in a permanent
Halloween costume as people continuously judged my “dateability” based on what
they could see instead of looking at my personal characteristics and inner
qualities. I was perplexed and
personally offended that other men my age could hide abusive behavior,
alcoholism and sexist attitudes while my disability immediately excluded me as
a dating prospect. I saw myself as a
successful person, a guy who had earned a degree in journalism and a diploma in
social work, who was well read, likeable, athletic as a sledge hockey player
and communicative with many valuable friends.
I had heard many
of my friends with disabilities say that in their opinion a successful
relationship could only be found among those who shared the experience of
disability. I never accepted that point of view though, because to me a
disability is an external experience. My disability is absolutely not who I am
even though it has become an aspect of my life and I refused to believe that an
external characteristic like having a broken spine should define the way in
which I formed my relationships. This isn’t to say that I felt I would never
date someone who had a disability, but rather that I wouldn’t date someone I
didn’t feel both an emotional and physical attraction toward. I went on dates
with a few women who had disabilities and felt that attraction but it wasn’t
reciprocated so I simply moved forward.
Regardless, I was totally
aware that having Spina Bifida and being just under five feet tall were
certainly not traits that I could say were my best selling features, but I
didn’t see those things to be any worse than any other negatively perceived
male trait like baldness or poor table manners. We all have something, don’t
we? Besides, I knew many women enjoyed my company and that the interactions I
had with them were maddeningly close to what felt like a real dating
relationship. While that was frustrating, I learned quickly that emotional
intimacy and physical intimacy are two different things and that while both are
essential; it’s the emotional intimacy that has the long-term staying power in
any relationship.
I personally found emotional intimacy easy, but the physical intimacy was elusive because of the nature of my disability and the impact it had on the expectations women had about the relationships they would choose to develop. It wasn't until my mid to late 20's that I began to realize a relationship for me would not develop based on anything special that I did or did not do. Essentially, it wasn't my choice and in order for it to occur, I had to accept that the fact that I would have to be who I am and put in the effort of dating while simply hoping that a woman one day would make the choice to love me.
Next week: Part 2
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